Fitting in vs standing out as a disabled person

When I was younger, I learned to be less disabled. Society told me that I had to appear normal, whatever that meant.

I guess you could say that I masked who I truly was, playing down my needs.

I became accustom to hiding my true self. All in the name of fitting in.

We all want to feel like we belong. We want to be accepted by others. When you don’t fit society’s mould of being “normal”, you’re led to believe that you have to do everything you can to fit in.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to. Groundbreaking I know.

I spent every day being less disabled, something I now do the exact opposite of. And I never want anyone to feel like they have to have that mindset.

Disability pride looks different to everyone, but what stands strong is that we should never shy away from being our true selves.

I’ve become comfortable being disabled.

I’m proud of the things that set me apart from everyone else. I love the ways in which I see the world in a unique way to sighted folk (pun intended there).

Although I haven’t always felt that way.

 

I saw my disability as a bad thing.

I tried my hardest to be normal.

I was told that I shouldn’t look blind, meaning that I needed to appear sighted. Yes, I did laugh when writing that.

I hated using my cane because I felt like it made me stand out.

I didn’t ask for reasonable adjustments, instead trundling along, struggling because I was led to believe that asking for support was a sign of weakness.

I now know that I was being someone I wasn’t to try and stand out less, all just to fit in.

 

Fitting in

Fitting in means that you feel like you belong to a particular group or community and are accepted. To fit in means that you feel seen, understood and valued without having to change who you are. It’s the difference between blending in to the crowd and being embraced because you truly belong.

 

Standing out

To stand out means that you are different or noticeable from others. Standing out is commonly referred to as attracting attention. That attention can both be wanted or unwanted.

Standing out can come in both positive and negative forms. It could mean to stand out because you don’t fit the societal norms, being treated differently, or through experiencing ableism. It can also be through advocacy and smashing misconceptions.

Either way, in reference to disability, standing out means to navigate the world not built with disabled people in mind, whether that’s by choice or not.

 

Fitting in vs standing out as a disabled person

I’ve experienced both sides of the coin when it comes to fitting in and standing out.

On one hand, fitting in has meant that I’ve hidden my true identity to be just like others. When I was younger, I knew very few fellow disabled people. I found myself feeling like the odd one out amongst sighted peers. Although I had my small group of people, those that encouraged me to both fit in and stand out, it was the belittling, negative attitudes from others which made me feel like I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t like them, so I’d never fit in.

It was comments such as “what’s wrong with you then?” or “you don’t look blind though” that made me feel different. It was the stares from others, the pity and the inaccessibility of the world that made me question my disability, and my worth.

Looking back, I now feel a sense of discontentment by how much I internalised those negative attitudes and the feeling that I had to be like everyone else. Although we shouldn’t dwell on the past, I wish I’d realised sooner that wasn’t the case.

On the other hand, standing out has allowed me to be exactly who I am. And most importantly, feel like I belong.

I’ve found the people who allow me to both fit in and stand out at the same time.

I don’t find myself ‘fitting in’ because I feel that’s what I have to do. If I do fit in, then I know I’m in the right environment, not through pressure or a fear of being judged, but because I know I’m being myself.

If I stand out, that’s more than okay too.

There are times when I feel like I don’t fit in, thanks to inaccessibility or a feeling of exclusion. When that happens, I now know that I don’t have to be anyone else but myself.

Whenever I feel like I don’t fit in, I take a moment to reflect that where I am now is a far cry from where I once was.

I now know there’s a place for me in this world.

I know there are people who love and accept me for who I am.

I know that I can take up space.

I no longer allow society’s expectations to dictate my worth as a disabled person.

And when I feel any form of anxiety or embarrassment for standing out in the fear of being judged, I remind myself that me, or my disability aren’t the problem, society is.

 

There are times here and there when I still find myself fitting in because I convince myself that’s the easiest thing to do.

I’m forever apologising when I don’t need to, all because I don’t want to seem like I’m being difficult. That’s a bit of a running joke between my friends, family and me.

 

When I question myself on whether I fit in, there’s always something that reminds me that, yes, I do. It’s often the smallest gestures that pull me back to reality like a colleague asking thoughtful questions about accessibility, a friend adding image descriptions in the group chat, or being surrounded by people who get it, even without me having to explain.

I’m not very good at admitting when I’m proud of myself. Others, absolutely, myself – never.

What I will say is that I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to feel like I can fit in, and also know that I can stand out.

I can walk down the street using my cane, without a care in the world because it’s my independence.

I can ask for reasonable adjustments because I know it’s the right thing to do.

I can admit when I need support because it’ll only benefit me in the long run.

I can speak up because I feel like I’m given a safe space to do so.

I can be my true self because there are people who love me for that.

 

All I want is to be the person I am. No shame, fear, or wishing I was different. Whether that’s fitting in or standing out, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to hide something that’s shaped my life in every way possible.

Something that I’ve come to love, even when I thought I couldn’t.

I don’t want to hide my true authentic self to make non-disabled people feel more comfortable. I’m not sacrificing my accessibility needs because fitting in feels like the easy, or only option.

 

Don’t get me wrong, fitting in can feel like a coping mechanism at times. We do it because we want to be treated equally, fairly, and because we feel we have to.

Whether being yourself is about fitting in or standing out, it doesn’t matter. It’s about what makes you who you are.

If it’s going to an event with my purple cane, that’s what I’ll do.

If it’s about doing what’s most accessible for me, I won’t dissuade myself from doing that.

I wish I’d learned that sooner.

Do I fit in or stand out? There’s no simple answer. It’s about what feels right at that time. It’s about what makes me most comfortable.

Whether you want to fit in or stand out, do what feels right for you. Don’t hide yourself for the ableist, inaccessible society we live in. You do you, and people will thank you for it.

 

Holly x