How my disability fuels my imposter syndrome

I’ll let you into a little secret. I had the idea for this blog post months ago. Funnily enough I put off writing it, because imposter syndrome took a hold. The irony isn’t lost on me.

It was only when I shared a ramble on Instagram that I thought I’d bite the bullet and let those words transpire into a blog post, a longer ramble if you will.

I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable here. As daunting as that might be, I’m hoping my honesty might help someone who might find some comfort in what I’m about to say.

 

Society has created a stock image of how disabled people are supposed to look, expectations that have been formed of what we can and can’t do. Whilst attitudes are slowly starting to shift, there’s still a lot more work to be done.

Disabled people find ourselves thinking ‘I don’t want to seem difficult’, ‘I’m not disabled enough for that’, or ‘if I mention my disability, it’ll put an entirely different spin on it’. These are all thoughts many of us have probably had at one point or another. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like they fuel the feelings of imposter syndrome.

 

I’ve struggled with imposter syndrome for years. Feeling like my success is more down to luck, rather than how hard I’ve worked, trying to keep all the plates spinning, and feeling like I’m not doing enough.

I’m a communications professional, blogger, freelance writer and disability advocate. Aside from that, I’m trying to navigate life as a 20-something year old, and manage a couple of chronic illnesses. Remember those plates I mentioned? Well, it’s hard to keep them all spinning sometimes.

I don’t have the time to create as many blog posts as I’d like. I’m still working on getting to where I’d like to be in my comms career.

I have to say no to freelance opportunities because rest needs to come first.

You can probably gather that imposter syndrome has shown up over the years, largely down to my disability.

The more I reflect on the topic, the more I can recognise the ways in which imposter syndrome has reared its ugly head throughout my life, throughout my disability journey.

So let’s delve into how disability and imposter syndrome can go hand in hand.

As always, I’m speaking from my own experiences. Everyone has their own story.

 

Feeling like a fraud

Thinking that others are doing so much better than me. Dwelling on the fact I’m not always the confident person everyone thinks I am. Worrying I’m not living up to expectations.

As disabled people, it’s instilled in us that we’ll need to work twice as hard than everyone else. That phenomenon is something I’ve found myself up against for as long as I can remember.

At school, teachers would say “You’ll need to put even more work in to achieve that grade” or “it’s even harder for you, so you’ll have to give it your all”. That so-called motivation was probably meant with encouragement, yet being on the receiving end didn’t make me feel that way. Now that I look back, I recognise that none of those words were uttered to my sighted peers. I felt like my efforts were never quite enough. There was always more I could be doing.

Whilst applying for jobs, I’ve sometimes felt like I had to prove my skills due to the fact I’m blind.

And it doesn’t stop there. There’s also feelings of being a fraud health wise too.

It took me 6 years to be diagnosed with one of my chronic illnesses. Countless blood test results that came back as “normal”, despite me feeling anything other than that. I was led to believe that there was nothing wrong, so it must be me.

When I finally got the diagnosis I’d been fighting for, all of those agonising thoughts of feeling like a fraud bubbled up to the surface. I felt seen. I felt heard. Perhaps most importantly, I had something to show that it wasn’t me. It goes without saying that we shouldn’t need that validation.

 

Questioning my success

I won’t dispute the fact that I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to where I am today. I got better grades in my A-levels than anyone thought I would, graduated university, and went on to employment. I’m now on a career path I never could’ve imagined myself on.

Despite being extremely proud of everything I’ve achieved; I’ve been left feeling like I didn’t deserve it. Even more, I didn’t quite believe it, thinking it must be a fluke.

People say to me “oh you’re so modest”. I’ll usually laugh, because they aren’t wrong. The thing is, I’m modest because I don’t always see my achievements in the same way anyone else does.

When people have told you that you have to work harder than everyone else and defy the odds, is there any wonder us disabled people don’t always see our achievements for what they really are? Those words become engrained in your mind, reminding you that you can’t stop, the work isn’t done yet.

We all need to pause. We need to give ourselves a pat on the back from time to time. Every single one of us is worthy of success. We’ve all worked extremely hard to get to where we are today, even when we’re faced with adversity.

 

Reaching burnout

That leads me very nicely on to the next point. My achievements and success have come at the cost of burnout. The narrative of having to be one step in front of everyone else has taken its toll at times. Coupled with fatigue, I’ve felt like a walking zombie on many occasions.

I sit and ponder what it is that’s made me fill the cup too full. In all honesty, I think it’s the societal pressure. The pressure to achieve, the pressure to not look like a failure, the pressure to show the world that I am good enough.

My achievements have come with the price of burnout, and that’s something I’m keen not to repeat any time soon.

Nothing is more important than looking after yourself.

 

Being a perfectionist

I’ve spoken at length about disability and perfectionism on the blog before. Although I don’t want to reap up old ground, I have to acknowledge the fact that being a perfectionist plays a huge part in imposter syndrome as a disabled person.

I find faults in everything I do. I’m far too harsh on myself. I tell myself that I could have done something differently to obtain better results.

I place high standards on myself to match up to my sighted peers. I work myself to the ground in a bid to prove my abilities. I have tried so hard to prove to others that my disability didn’t need to get in the way. I’ve pondered about mentioning my disability on application forms when applying for a job, because I want them to see my abilities, rather immediately scrap it because they see the word “blind” and don’t consider giving me a chance.

My friends, family and colleagues have never needed me to prove my capabilities. They see my skills and see me for the person I am. Despite that, I fi myself setting the bar much higher than I need to, all to prove myself and my capabilities because society sets that expectation.

 

Pondering asking for help

Society perpetuates disabled people to be incapable. That means we feel like an inconvenience when asking for help. In reality, there’s nothing wrong with asking for support.

We feel like a burden. We don’t want to take up someone’s time.

I’ve got a lot better at asking for help now, mostly down to the fact that I know it’s more than okay to do so. I’ve realised that asking for help doesn’t mean that I’m incapable. Often, it enables me to complete a task.

When I ask for help, it’s usually because something isn’t accessible. If said task was accessible, then I wouldn’t need to ask for help in the first place.

Something I’m still working on is not apologising when I ask for help. Really, I have nothing to be sorry for. There’s no shame in asking for support. It’s not a sign of weakness.

 

Comparing myself to others

When you’re scrolling through your social media feeds, do you ever sit there and compare yourself to other people’s glossy lives? Yep, I thought so.

On the surface, it might seem like they have it all. I’m here to remind you that social media is a highlight reel.

We compare ourselves to others that we admire, wondering if we’ll ever reach their level of success. Chances are, they’ve probably been where we are.

There’s lots of pressure for disabled people to conform to the typical narrative. When acquaintances see someone else doing something, it’s assumed that we’ll do the same.

I know it’s said with good intent. However, it’s the expectation that can have a lasting impact.

We’re all working towards different things in life, and we need to recognise that.

 

Feeling like I’m not doing enough

If you’re a longtime reader of my blog, you’ll know that I used to publish a new blog post every week. Heck, I have no idea how I did that.

I often feel like I should be doing more. I find myself wondering whether I have time and energy to write more blog posts, take on more freelance work or get involved with more campaigns.

It can be so easy to forget that we’re trying our best. Even if we don’t think it, we’re all doing enough. There’s only so many balls we can juggle.

 

When I take time to reflect on my life, my disability journey and everything I’ve achieved, I feel a great sense of pride. I wish I could tell 16-year-old Holly that one day she’ll be on the right career path, and she’ll find her place in the world. Past Holly could have only dreamt of everything she’s doing today.

Feeling like a fraud has pushed me out of my comfort zone over the last few years. Being determined to prove others wrong has given me the motivation to demonstrate my abilities.

Even though I’m still a perfectionist, I can tell myself that I put my all into something, and I can’t do anymore than that.

I know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not a weakness. It doesn’t mean that I’m any less capable.

Despite what I tell myself, I know that I am doing enough.

Will we still be up against societies misconceptions and wrongly perceived ideas? More than likely. All we can do is flip them on the head.

 

Despite imposter syndrome creeping in at the most unwelcome times, I can tell myself that I’ve come a long way. I have every reason to be proud. My love and acceptance towards my disability has given me the freedom and independence I once craved.

 

The next time imposter syndrome makes you feel like a fraud or makes you doubt yourself, remember how far you’ve come. Show it who’s boss.

You are doing amazing. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

Maybe societal pressures will help those feelings of inadequacy and comparison less of a force one day. For now, all we can do is be kind to ourselves.

 

Holly x